well.. it finished at around 930pm?

when i finished singing i pretended to
come down stairs for somehting
and just started to put away everything
and washing the dishes..

got ALL the food put away
all the stuff done..
gave the food away

so now just sitting, enjoying music
talking about times..

staring at my cute neighbor...
just eye candy..
he's talking to my brothers.

thats about it..

listening to SID.. one way..

away from the puja.

ive been falling asleep..

even though i got more sleep
than my mom..

well.. my butt was going numb as well..

either saj is playing games on
his iphone or else he's asleep.

i noticed something scary
this morning..
STRETCH MARKS~!

theyre coming back..
i had just gotten them to
go away..

will definitely make sure
they go away for good..............


going to find something
and then go back up.


ja ne..

tired..
waking my mom up at 315am..

then waking up at 7am..

ganbatte~..

i took $15. ..

i was supposed to take $10.


my eye lids are heavy and my
upper torso is weighing down
on my bottom body.


lol

oyasumi~nasaii..yo.

taste weird ne?

had my first one..
its okay.. but ..
i wish i didnt eat it at night.
feel sick..

have a couple of things to buy for tomorrow.

finals are coming up..
i will be spending the sunday somewhere..
i think i will stay at my aunts
if they have the day off..
studying math..

get my last signature for my essay..

and then on tuesday i will spend the
day studying for lit 32 (intro to poetry)

and then the rest of the week ill
spend studying for ja21 (intro to japanese cult)

i have faith in myself.
spent 3 hours getting all the food for the puja
thats without the list..
we only need about 4 things. :)

and then until 930pm,
we were prepping and making the appetizers
since i have school from 10am-1pm


.. i should ask how many hours i have
left from 24.. i think i may have atleast..

15?. i hope so..
i need the computer~ for music..
and then i can just read some random things.
and pretend to be doing something important.

theres this video ive been watching..
from 1971 movie.. its classical indian dancing..
i could do it..
but id get arthritis in my feet.
and plus.. my muscles wont stretch..

ill jsut enjoy watching and
envision myself doing it. ne?

especially when both parents are home..






im no longer shail.


im just a maid who is so stupid
and ignorant that

cant do anything.


can i kill myself already?

im tired of this shit.

to school..

no movies were playing~
so just slept in my car.

brought Allen's prsent early.
i hope he comes here cuz if
he doesn't im going to feel
awkward with carrying a present
around all evening. lol

in the classroom waiting for everyone
to come. i had my alarm ring at
235pm? so i took my time to come to
the class..
there's about 5minutes left..

im really tired.. i could just fall
asleep on a cloud. ne?

have my scarf. gloves in the car
i hope my aunt has an extra pair
of slippers at her house..


will go and let the music play on.
and will continue to wait.

ja ne~

sounds are seeping from
my brothers room.. ehh? O_O

anyways.. just came back from
the hosp. the have visitor pass now.
its a little creepy and weird

i saw ryals and bob last night
when i was getting a warm drink
from the cafe carte.

im not sure where im going
but.. i have 2 hours to kill
before i have the cki mtg.
at 3pm..


might just go to school
and watch some drama?
o-o

waiting for the bagel to cook..
after the meeting-if we have a social.
ill go, and then go to my aunts house
after to get some things and just hangout.

taking my scarf and gloves with me
because although im wearing long sleeve
and a 3/4 sleeve light jacket~it
only warms me up so. ne?

mmm.. im so tired.

i was checking facebook and kelly
sent me a message and said that i
reminded him of the song..
it was yuna ito-trust you..

and for the first time. i cried.
and then i had to stay awake
for all the tears to dry and nose
to not be sniffly and go to sleep.

lets see.. i have $11.00
and i have no idea what to take
for the social.. lol
dollar store value sales? hahaha
jk jk..
anyways.. bagel is done..
will eat.

ja ne

from my writing class..
trying to see if my friend is still here
at school or if he decided to call it a night
and get the fuck out~

just listening to music before i go home.
actually i have about 2 hours still...
well.. 1.5 hours... might just stay the
entire time. but also happen to be
texting another friend.

i seriously just want to have a very close
friendship like i used to have with krystel.
she's gone on to better things.

and in some cases i think i have gone on to better
things, but still... its hard to have a close
friendship for me..
you see.. im a skinship type of person..
even with friends..

but.. college.. all these friend relationships
are soooo .. i dont want to say confusing
but its hard to point out exactly how much of a friendship
it is because some can lead to intimacy or
just dry flakes. ..

and for me.. to seriously be able to call a
person i know and have met numerous times is to
be able to feel them, .. i guess i learn more
from their body response when i touch them...

so for me to call people friends here at college
is a down right lie.

remember in highsschool-you could walk side by side with
the arms/shoulders touching and you could literally
and phsyically lean on them, touch them, and it wouldnt be
a problem..

college is too fustrating.. the relationships created here.
you dont really know much about the person
and unless you have connections of people personally
knowing that person, you can't really figure out what
type or character/personality they are because
theyre such a mystery.. well not mystery

i just need to know a lot about the person
to seriously consider them a friend
or if i even want to get to know the person.

but anyways.. i spent only hour in class...
it is SU-PER cold..
hope everyone is warm.
if you working late-stay healthy.
dont catch a cold.


hope you can understand your friends.
wishing you all the best for understanding
people

ja ne

hurriedly..

i have enough money for coffee tonight for
class

apparently my grandma's cousins family
line is having total korean drama.
its soo interesting
its like Angels temptation
but its a daughter making the mother go..
lol

had the backyard chili in my dinner.
oh ma gawd its orgasmically good.

@_@ its been too long..

okay.. will finish food
and finish essay

call nature.
and then go school

maybe ill find someone to talk to?


ja ne

i am at school...

car problems all weekend.

now its just me and school~ ^_^

i must be a very unusual person if coming
to school makes me want to pour tears of joy?
he he he he he he ha?


anyways.... been staying up late.
just realized a day ago there's this week
and next week....

theres tension in the air..
i dont really plan on going home any time
soon...
might go to mitsuwa for mochi ^_^

kav filled my car with 3/4 gas so..
yaaaayyy

and then.. theres one thing aobut the car

-the key is too long so the door WONT LOCK..

its weird..

don't steal my tea~!

going to rewrite parts of my essay
and then see a teacher for help.

because i so desperately need it~

i hope i dont get my lit1 teacher..
have a feeling he will make me feel stupid
and pathetic for even trying.

must study for math as well..

will ask Sensei if i can bring
cupcakes on the day of final~
cant bake this week (cries)
because of the puja.. (sigh)

how tedious.

finally going to sleep.

just towards the end of today
i have gotten about maybe 2.5 hours of sleep.

Sensei was happy with the
idea of bringing in cupcake/muffins
for class.

i seriously cant think.

parents are arguing about
who knows what.

im tired.
im wearing sweats.
thank god i didnt wear makeup.

i dont want to ever wake up again. ne?

i plan on having my phone off.

i feel bad for my brother.
my car is on empty.

gozaimasu!

all nighter was successful~my
homework for class is pretty colorful.

wrote back to Hiromi chan
got the Event for Christmas
Social all done.

a little tired. mostly cold.
need my cell phone~ for when i get
back.

im on episode 50 for rurouni kenshin~!!!
^_^ hontoni urushii dayou.

the cleaners are here. -_-;;;
seriously.. theres no money in the bank
the house property money is due on the 10th,
and we have mortgages and normal bills
to pay. *sigh*

i got yelled at this morning.
and the best part~?

ive been awake 24 hours,
i didnt even lay in bed because i was
worried id fall asleep and not wake up.

borrowing a long sleeve shirt from
my mom, and then wearing the same outfit as yesterday..
thick clothes-!!

stay warm, the weatherman said it might rain a bit.
dont catch a cold anyone.

fight the cold~!

ja ne.

its the song thats playing

and i just walked into the house.

will be doing an all nighter.

my mom was complaining of me
not having a new song to sing
and that im not making any effort
to sing.

well.. i got a new song.
thats it.

i will be doing homework,
i will be going on facebook.
my calendar looks like
it will be filling up slowly.


i think the crush i have on my
friend is just a crush,
sure i think about him,
but its just those days or
a certain time of the day where i
usually see him i think "~ah-i wonder
if he's here?".
and if i dont, i get over it.

will be on my msger talking to
about 2-3 friends.

maybe ill have some of the potatoe
curry or maybe ill just have a laxative
and tea for the rest of the night ne?

got a couple chapters to read


and now i will go.
privacy is gone.

still feel the same as i had written before.

just more emotionally calm.

made potatoe curry
and chutney with cucumber.

3 small chilies that i love to eat.

it came out purrrfect~

got my schedule colored and made
on excel.

emailed teach about the poem presentation.


going to rancho cucamunga.

its a waste of my life.
i sing the same songs
i listen to 2 old men gossip
about their young life
and how the present isnt like
the past

i have to study hard for school.
i plan to go to my aunts house more
often this month, to study
and to get away from the chaos
in this house.

i plan to be in the library or my car more often.

btw, im almost empty on gas.

i got a reply from hiromi chan online.
she's doing okay, she didnt do good
at the interview,
but im rooting for her~

lets see what else.

what my aunt said to me
about how i am living.
i find it all true.

i plan to try and get a job.
only for 3-4 mths.
or temporary even if thats possible.
i want to have $$ when hiromichan visits.
then when she leaves, a 3-4 mth job
will do.

we have major financial problems.
i have decided that i wont attend USC.
ill take that private $2000, 60hrs extensive
training.

that would be easier and quicker
versus god knows how much $$, and 3 years.

lets see

$2000 vs. USC tuition
60 hrs vs 3 years.

seriously? seriously.

i am giong to finish eating.
my parents are staring at me.
my mom saw me start to type this blog.
ill make sure she wont find anything
about you my precious.

because afterall, to them
i am no person,
i am no daughter
i am just a autobot
who sings when asked,
cleans when told
does other people's extension.

this is the house reality.

im so stressed out.
i have to stop myself from
crying even when im showering
of drying off.


im not sure where these
people who call themselves my parents
are taking me into their life,

but i want the reins to my life
and i want to make the decisions.

even if it means doing major deception
and becoming a bad evil person in their
eyes.

i will take my life back.

ja ne.

ps. those chilies
are totally helping me.

and the cold sweat nights are
getting worse.

usually im a happy gal who posts

and usually an irritated one too ne?

this time.. im just wanting to write
while i feel pathetic.

went to my aunts after
cki mtg, and then had dinner
and then speeded to the hospital
to pick my mom u pfrom work.

if i knew that i was going to get
yelled at for 10 minutes of the ride
and be stuck with a shitty atmosphere
for a 15 minute drive,

i would have happily told her to drive home
while i walk off the steam

it would be a 2-3 hour walk.
and now im watching the Celtic Women
Concert on television~i'm usually happy
and just in awe when i watch that.


but now i just feel like crying because of the
dissappointment of not being like those girls
who are living their dreams, singing out their voices.

i would usually cry right now
but im sitting beside my brother as he reads
his book, and occassionally highlights certain
sentences or phrases.

but i seriously think that i could do something
with my voice.
my parents never had any encouraging with me.
never tried to think that i could make a difference
for the better in my life and
could possibly make it big.

i think that im lacking training.
i just want to cry.
i want to crawl into a hole and just bawl.
only one gal really understands
we have the same passion,
same background
and same goals.

and she'll probably reach it before i do.
even though she's only 2 yrs my junior.

she already has a plan of how she wants to
reach her goal.

im behind.

im alone.

i think im going to go wash my
face with cold water and listen to
some Gackt before im able to push my hair back
and give a clear view of my face..


that apple pie i put in the oven with so much eagerness
and readiness to eat

eating it now would just overwhelm me.

my neck hurts so i cant cry on my own shoulders.
how pathetic.
how sad.
so im going to cry on my knees.
and wash my face with cold water
so that no one can tell the difference..

actually the truth in that last sentence is
"so that i can't tell the difference"

maybe in a couple hours ill have a different
feel.

im just making other people happy.
i dont want to sing hindi songs.
i want to sing what i feel, how i feel
but for family members who call themselves my parents.


.. im a built in stereo.

i open my mouth and spout whatever
they want to hear.

if i were to die, or just disappear
to a different country and never come
back, would it make a difference in
any one's life?

would it make one think about me?
i doubt it.
no one would care enough to come look for me.

thats the truth.

and would you like to know another
truth?


this is the one that hurts me the deepest.

i have no friends.

the teacher is content with me
sending an email copy of the
essay,

will get it checked tomorrow,
and then will write notes on
what i need to fix,
and then go to meeting..


very tired,

listening to Sentimental Macchiato.
seriously makes me want to cry.

i hope im not catching a sore throat.
will be singing this saturday
at lake elsinore.
need throat. ne?

will go sleep.

mom works tomorrow.
i will have some lonely time.

must get japanese culture hw done.
must study for math ne?

i have a lot to do tomorrow
at school..

ehh.. will just go to school.
with a msger bag
instead of purse...

too much to carry, will do my best.
ganbatte.

take care of you health minna-san.
i have no money..

when i get gas money..
im taking 40$ and then
using 1/2 to send SID gift.
maybe i should have 30$..
i want to send it before this month
is over ne?

that way its in the middle
of all four birthdays, and then its a newyear
puresento~.

oyasumie.

will keep playlist on replay
until i wake up.

baibai

random has occurred,
friends are playing 'hangman.' ..


made the most asian mickey ever

my friend has nice purple pants.

got the first one right~ princess and the frog.

im going to play..

saw my brother at the library
saw bryant.i missed him~

baibai

1/2 way done with the book.

not going to my class.

but will go in a bit.

to the library, with my headphones.

will read, and write.

go out to eat.

then send to self and print

at home. will get it checked

before coming back.

and then i will straight away

start for the revision

to turn in next week.

i will pass.
having a murderous intent to
kill this essay with ink

is a good sign ne?

find my spot of how i get into writing mode.

what the fuck am i doing? just listening to
music. and yearning to go out and
just go to a bar with a mic
sing scream whatever i feel
cry it out for the world to hear

for someone to hear me
loud and clear.

although i would like to be a
teacher, the suits are sexy, very
incredible, but they dont suit me
with long hair. i can only
pull it off with my hair in a bun
or clipped up. (sigh)

do you guys have any of that feel?
have the clothes and can pull the 'feel'
off perfectly but when you look into
mirror its just that thought
'something isn't right' pops into mind.

listening to an Akanishi Jin playlist
i made online..i cant figure myself out

i got my writing and math class together.
my classes are m.t.w.th...
3 day weekends~ yatta~! ^.^?
i have most classes on m/w
and 1 class of t/th.

i lit a candle last night before
going sleep.
its still going~i like candles.

met up with Annachan today, we only had
tea. lol
we went to sticki picki so we could take
our winter vision picture..
we got there at 1220pm.. and the store opens
at 1pm so we went to lollicup..the store before
cefiore (sp?) closed. and when we finished,
we went to the store, still closed. even after 5 minutes
no one came to open shop, so we ended up going back to
school. anna and i exchanged gifts.
anna was basically passing out in my car with the nice sun
and warm dry breeze. ( i took cough drops to open my sinus)
she reached home safely.
i sitll have my present. im guessing its candles.
will open it prompty on christmas day.
i can wait. for other things i cant.

lets see whatelse..
many postings for myspace.
should do that, after this blog ne?
i will force myself hard.
need to get my fucking self into shape
physically and mentally.
i dont care if i get hurt, im ready for it.


ja ne.

looks ex-quis-ite.

ne?

deactivated my facebook until i feel
ready to gain my studies.


someone bought a puppy
its barking.
i will bark at it.
and see what happens.

my mom said it might be the gay neighbors
who live behind us.

im tearing 3 loafs of bread
to feed to ducks tomrw

i think i shouldve done my essay
at 2am this morning when i felt
an overpowerful emotion


i dont feel well.
i feel depressed.
as i keep going on my messenger, theres
one person im becoming emotionally attached to.

keep waiting for that person to come online
to talk, even if it isnt anything important
imagining his voice when i read his words
i think because of my depression, my feelings
are only silly and short-term

discussing it with a jr, who is very
dear to me, she is almost like me.
besides being a different race,
she's a 3rd born,
only daughter
dysfunctional family
love for jrock
same community club
somewhat same problems.

i will try my best to sort out my
feelings and then force myself to
keep my feelings as friends only.

im talking about how "old" jrockers keep
their amazing skin, how their face hasnt changed.
Kiyoharu-san
Gackt-san
Takanori Nishikawa
Toshiya

thats it basically.

i feel down, will get motivated.

bought some dry miso soup.
have to mix hot water.

thought about buying ramen.
but i felt gross.
i wanted to throw up.

ja ne.